Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Hold it together

Those who are close to me or work with me know that I've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. It sounds so self-centered to make this about me, when it's been about all sorts of people in my life dealing with crazy circumstances, and me feeling powerless to do anything.

About three weeks ago I was really, really sick. I had a very severe cold, much like pneumonia, though not as bad. The fatigue, the headaches, the congestion and the overall dreadful malaise made me feel so weak. It made me feel like anything but myself.

When I returned to work, I found out that a friend had suffered a terrible accident, and that he faced an uphill battle in recovery. I was in shock when I heard. This is the guy that I saw in the elevator the Wednesday I tried to soldier on and come in to work, who said that I should go home and take care of myself when I told him that I was feeling awful. He and his wife are two people that care so much about others.

And after what was supposed to be a routine outpatient surgery, my mom is back in the hospital, weak and in pain, and I'm 300 miles away and powerless to help her. I feel like superman, who knows he can do anything, until he is confronted with kryptonite. Not being there for my mom, trying to go on with my life as usual, is really very hard. It's making my periphery crumble and thusly, unexpectedly, I've been bursting into tears.

I hate the fact that this all seems so selfish to me, and that it's my mother in the hospital, and it's my friend battling to recover, not me, but it has become so immensely difficult for me to just hold it together, make it through one more day, and do it all over again.


Anonymous said...

Humans are just totally crap at dealing with this sort of situation. We all are. You are not alone in this. Write letters, knit bed socks, send pies. Do anything that they will appreciate and that will help you feel that you have done something of worth. You'll both feel better for it.

And if that doesn't work, beat the crap out of something.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I'm pulling for your friends and family- and you too.

Olivia said...

Come on Jo, you're strong and you can get through this.

Looks like you've been faced with too much too quickly. As for your mom, I am sure she is receiving excellent care, and your family down there are surely capable of handling the situation. You are a nurturer, aren't you? You want to be there for everyone and can't abide being helpless yourself.

There is so much in your life that can be called blessings and so much that can be called therapeutic. Rely on these things - the love and support of your husband, friends and family, the companionship of your pets, the therapy of your knitting and meditation.

Jo said...

Thanks guys, the words of encouragement mean so much.

The situation with my mother is so very complicated, in that she's a lot like me and doesn't want her illness or problems to be a burden on anyone else. She's a very strong-willed lady, but I guess she doesn't see how being hard-nosed about this isn't helping anyone, especially the family that desperately wants to support her.

Anyway, the comments mean a lot. You guys are the best.

Kyla Bea said...

Oh dear, good luck with this one.

I find that sometimes, even just sending a small care package can make me feel like I'm helping in some small way - it's just a little thing, but it can show that you're thinking of someone, and that you went from thinking to action.


Hold in there.

sequined said...

I don't think you should feel bad for being stressed even as you see other people with what seem like more serious problems. Your empathy is what enables you to be there for them and also what is making your feel overwhelmed. But that's okay. You should do what you can to relax and calm down and get yourself under control, but in the meantime don't beat yourself up about it.

sequined said...

Also, you have an award over on my blog! :)

Lisa said...

That's not selfishness. That's caring and empathy. I'm sorry to hear about this - that's a lot do deal with.