Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Cream and sugar

"You're only as strong as your last cup of coffee."

If Aubrey's anonymous philosopher king/queen is right, then I'm the Incredible Hulk.


Awake... Awake and wishing I wasn't.

Do you know how that feels? To be perilously empty of all the ideals you thought would take you away? To be spiritually vapid? Awake, wishing you were back in your dreams in places that were special where people actually cared?

I'm waiting for the time of day when shadows are cast on the building. I waiting for a time when eloquence comes easy. I'm still waiting to set things right.

She's not deep. She's anything but. She doesn't make me feel less important, just less significant.

I'm getting stuck in a rut. The one thing I fear right now more than anything is being insignificant. I fear being stuck in this place where I don't make a difference with my life. Being stuck in a job that doesn't give me the room to prove myself or advance because I know... I KNOW ... that I'm better than this.

All of the sudden I see how my complaints parallel a British premadonna turned illegal alien. I'm dissatisfied with my plight but I'm uncertain of what to do next not because I'm tired of trying but instead because I haven't really tried.

Enough bitching ...

Get to work.


MattJ said...

errm. Yes I do. And like your other post I know what it feels like to have a whole place bring you down, like everything is there to grind part of you away.

I can't offer any good advice really, I'm sorry, I can only tell you what I did. First find out about routes of advancement in your job, if you're blocked get a new one. You spend most of your life at work, if you're miserable there you have no hope at home. You have experience now, leave on good terms and that'll help.

As for the place. I feel the same way sometimes I really do. It's only turned around alittle for me recently in a non-alcohol aided way.
I decided to go out and find someplace that I liked. Remember the shopping trip on Saturday? That was more than just an 'I need this' trip, I wanted to find someplace I really liked and I found it. It helped that I went exploring on my own, and had fun doing. Despite the rudeness of Londoners, despite the tube and despite peple trying to fleece me, I found myself noticing the very small nice things that the few did. Politely asking to share my ashtray in the pub, holding back the train door, the look of sympathy at my plight at being rambled at by a train loonie.

I dunno Jo, seems you used to like the place, re-read you post about the spread of your smile, then go for a mooch and rediscover what's good about where you live.

Or you could get drunk. :0p

lunaliar said...

You're right Matt... Mabye I need a day on the train for discovery and something new. Maybe that'll get me outta this funk.

That's it. On Saturday I'll get up early, don my street clothes and hop on the rail and go anywhere...

MattJ said...

Oh welcome back by the way, that beige monstrosity you are munching on in the photo makes me wince everytime I check for an update, thanks for bumping it down!

lunaliar said...

What? You can't stand the corn-coated, deep-fried goodness of a State Fair of Texas Corny Dog???

MattJ said...

Hey come on! I want to know how you got on at the weekend! You didnt throw yourself under a train or anything did you?

Nerraux said...

Very poetic. Very angst-driven. Very GEN-X. You should write grunge songs or Flash Fiction.

There are others who feel similar...

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