Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Forgive me father ...

... for I have sinned.

Okay, so it's about that time for my annual confessional to the anonymous public. No, I'm not Catholic. I'm Episcopal. (For all of you lay persons, it's like Catholicism without all the guilt and repentance. Call it "Catholic Lite" if you must.)

This is when I spill about all of the things I have done, do or have thought about doing that I believe are particularly shameful. Now, mind you, these admonitions may not seem so shameful to you, but to me, they require purging.

Without further adieu ...

1) I felt guilty about letting go of someone in my past today. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty, and I usually don't, but for some reason I Googled him today to see if I could find out what he was doing and if he is okay. I kinda wish that we were talking. Maybe we should. There I go again with the guilt. We were working on that whole compulsive guilt thing ...

2) Whenever I walk by a flat, shiny or otherwise reflective vertical surface, I check myself out. I know that a lot of people do this. I also know that a lot of people are vain. I am vain, too. Damn ...

3) Pride ... God. I can't say this enough. I'm way too proud. I need some damn humility. But then again, I could say that my whole life is humility. But then again, I could say that I lack humility because I'm betting on my future. But then again, I could say that I'm in the wading pool with a life vest. I also could say that I have this disgusting feeling of entitlement. That, of course, is brought on from my own insecurity. (I wish I could say more here, but there is the fear of the dooce ...)

4) Sometimes I catch myself being arrogant. It's not like I'm being really arrogant -- just kinda arrogant. You know, arrogant enough to not want to sit next to anyone on the train but not so arrogant that I won't pick something up that a stranger dropped.

5) The city ... I think that these people, these random people that I no longer interact with, I think they're getting to me. I promised Jack that I wouldn't let them, but I think they're taking my once unflappable spirit and crushing it ever-so slowly.

You know what ... maybe I'm not going to be as influential, succesful or happy as I thought I was. Maybe I should get used to being a peon. Maybe I should just chalk it up to my own inability to follow through with what I believe in. Maybe I am just ambitious enough to make it OK, but just inept enough to be a complete failure.

My God ... that was depressing.

2 comments:

MattJ said...

1)I found out someone from my past moved to near where I live now, left her a message and an email offering the olive branch and a catchup over coffee or whatever and got no reply. Maybe you should do that. One message, if no reply then you've offered the hand of friendship and it's been knocked back. Unless he/she is some kind of psycho stalker, in which case leave well enough alone

2)Check yourself out, I would if I was you. I would if I weren't you. Which I'm not. Ask Dave, he knows you should be checking yourself out.

3)OK, read this point through. Pride is fine so long as its coupled with a healthy dose of self doubt and questioning/evaluation of one's beliefs/views. Well done. You pass.

4) This means you are just arrogant enough. It's impossible to be intelligent without some arrogance. Equally it's impossible to be funny without the same. Clearly I am a very arrogant man :-D

5)Here you have some valid things to worry about, going to cover it in my next comment on your other post.

Aubbie said...

My guitar teacher mused that Methodist is like that "Catholic light."