Wednesday, December 30, 2009

When Movie Romances Go Bad

So, I just watched Twilight. For the first time. I've never read the books. Don't plan to, either.

As you can figure, from watching the first movie, I have some stunning cultural observations to share:

1) No matter how ridiculous they seem, you know that you can relate to the whole teen-angsty budding relationship. And, you know that even though you're now what legally passes for an adult, you kinda miss all of those pit-in-your-stomach moments when you're undressing the other person hastily with your eyes as you kiss somewhat tentatively.

And even though you miss it, seeing a movie FILLED with these moments can be really exhausting.

2) Edward and Bella will make you wonder what the fuck is going on with Mormons these days. You know that in 75 percent of the teens out there confronted with some of the situations in this movie would have been buck naked and on top of each other in .0125 seconds. The fact that Edward and Bella barely even kiss is ridiculous. This is an adult movie with the sex scenes deleted, that's what it is.

3) Also, from watching this completely whack (yes, I said "whack" and I mean every bit of it) romance, you will feel like your relationship is somewhat inferior to what the two pasty teens have going on. This is crazy, especially if you read the Cliffs Notes version of the books (thanks for saving me time, Twilight wiki!) and discover how this whole story ends. SO. EFFING. STUPID.

Vampire/human hybrids? Werewolf imprinting? Sex after marriage?

All poppycock, I say! Poppycock!


Lemon Gloria said...

I haven't seen either of the movies, but I loved the books. Loved. They were very poorly written, but I got sucked in and stayed, like when you take a big spoon of Betty Crocker frosting and then just eat the whole damn jar.

Miss Dallas said...

Good analogy. That's exactly how I felt about watching the movie. I will probably see New Moon when it comes out. Does that make me lame? Maybe. Does it make the plot any less ridiculous and thin? Nope!

wanderingtex said...

I know! i read the books and I felt so let down - its basically a really trashy romance novel sans sex. Totally unsatisfactory.

And yes, I totally felt like my relationship was inferior - until I realized it's all a bit stalkerish and creepy. :)

Kyla Roma said...

If you really want to wonder what's going on with Mormons these days, read the last book. She gets pregnant and the baby is vampire strong and beats the crap out of her from inside her belly for 2/3rds of the book.

No joke.