Thursday, August 06, 2009

Jellyfish: Why unstructured days are both good and bad, but may not always require urine to make it stop hurting.

I've been a bit of an unstructured mess lately.

In an odd paradox, the house has never been cleaner.

Although I used to bitch about getting up and going to work every day like it was some kind of redundant and useless act, I miss it. The deadlines and schedules and phone calls reminded me that daytime passes quickly. I used to have full days, and now I'm doing whatever I can to just fill them.

The truly sad thing is that I used to daydream about having my days to myself, and what I would accomplish, what I would get done, what I would build and make and enjoy. I suppose that kind of free time would be sweeter if the backdrop wasn't painted with the panic of job loss and loss of income.

Every day I think about it, about what I should be doing instead of marinating in worry and panic.

I am lucky, though, that I have a supportive family and husband. Dave keeps reminding me that I'm not alone, and that there are thousands upon thousands of people just like me, trying to make it.

And then I really think about it... If I was dreading 10-hour days and carrying two buckets at my last job, why would I want to do that again? Will things ever be different, or are we all just "human resources"? (I really hate that term.)

I think about that while Fitzgerald or Mr. Orange nuzzle me in my lap while I'm at the desk, writing or applying for jobs at places that are far away from them. And Fitzgerald rests his head in the crook of my arm as my fingers taps the keys, and I think, "That's so sweet."

This is so bittersweet.

2 comments:

Kyla Roma said...

Oh wow, I'm there with you. I'm starting to enter the BORED phase of unemployment and am using all my self control to not physically pound down the doors of places I've applied to.

I like working. I like being home. I just need more human contact, I think.

Oh! I took pictures of fancy roosters at a farmers market when I was in Minneapolis because they reminded me of your chickens! It made me smile =)

Lisa said...

It's hard. I'm terrible at structuring myself. Probably too many years of imposed structure. I long for wide open days filled with whatever, but I know when I've been unemployed I just fretted and frittered them away.

Hang in there!