Sunday, April 23, 2006

The night without you

It's crazy to sit in this big house and feel lonely just because you left moments ago. You and I were just trying to make up, and you leave, and I'm lost, or to be more accurate, I'm at a loss.

Sometimes there's something missing. You're my best friend, the only real friend I have here, and maybe that's why it's so lonely, because when you're gone my world becomes smaller than the dust bunnies left behind from Mr. Orange's winter coat.

I want you to love me, and say it like they do in the movies. I want you to surprise me in the kitchen with a soft kiss on my neck. When you curl up next to me in our vast bed, I always hope that you'll reach for my hand.

I tell myself sometimes, and I know this is silly, but I keep thinking, "What if I was prettier, or if I drop 15 or so pounds? What if I was better looking, would he do all the things I dream of? Would he love me like Joe Gillis embracing Betty Schaefer in Sunset Boulevard?"

This is such crap. I am officially co-dependent ... and that's bullshit.


Olivia said...

Oh dear, what happened to the idyll of cohabitation? Is this the warts and all stage?

I dunno, I have never lived with anyone, so I can only imagine. Heck, I've never even had a bf.

Just don't start being dissatisfied with the way you are as a person. Why do we girls get self-critical when we don't get what we expect in a relationship?

lunaliar said...

I know, I know. I was really dwelling on my own thoughts, my own self-worth issues. I have hang-ups, just like any other American girl that sees pictures of all-too-perfect women everywhere. It's enough to make every girl have a complex with whatever part of themselves appears as all-too-often and less-than-perfect.

Olivia said...

Hey, why start getting hung up about the perfect-looking women, when Dave is obviously choosing to be with you, not one of them.

Anyway, I am sure you've heard that sometimes those perfect-o women make their men feel insecure - and they aren't always the ones they want to take home to Mom and Dad.

And yes, I am distinctly lacking in some departments that men physically value in women, so I know what I'm talking about. I get hung up too.

You have found someone who accepts you as you are, however that may be. Good on ya!